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POSITIVE PARENTING
POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
The reasons we as parents use punishment in the first place are to reinforce the good behavior of our children and eliminate his/her bad behavior. The problem with this is that we sometimes forget to praise a child when their behavior is pleasing to us, but we are quick to react when their behaviour displeases us. If the only attention a child receives is when he/she behaves badly what incentive is there for him/her to behave well? More importantly, think of the damage that is being done to this child's self-confidence. Children's feelings of self worth are influenced by how we communicate with them, so it is imperative that they always feel loved and accepted no matter what. Positive reinforcement is an effective method that will leave your child with their self-esteem intact. At first you may feel like it is more work because you must constantly be aware of your child's behaviour, but when it is used consistently in your family, you will find that you are able to communicate with your child much easier and more importantly your child will gain the needed confidence and self esteem that is lacking in many children today. When used correctly, positive reinforcement will inspire confidence in your child for years to come and teach them how to communicate with others.
The basis of positive reinforcement is to catch your child when he/she is doing something that pleases you, recognizing it and rewarding it very quickly and as often as possible. By rewards we mean you could praise your child, show affection such as a hug or a pat on the shoulder, or give specific rewards such as he/she can pick what they want for dinner or choose what television program the family will watch that evening. The most important part of this is to give your child positive feed back about his behaviour. Look them directly in the eye and say, "I like the way you combed your hair without me asking you," or "I like that you finished your homework without me asking you." Another method is to have a chart with his or her name on it, specify the behavior and put a gold star next to the behavior. This seems to work best for early school age children. For older children use points for positive behavior that add up to a small reward at the end of the week (depending on your budget), such as renting their favorite movie or some other activity that you can do together. Make a list of the rewards for a particular amount of points. The reward should be something that pleases your child and he/she should have a say in what that will be. It is also important that your child help design how the chart will look. Let them personalize it by using their favourite colours or drawing pictures. Keep this chart in an area where your child can see it, so it can be a constant reminder.
The chart is only to be used as a measure of success. Do not use demerits when your child misbehaves, rather use other forms of discipline such as no video games or television for a set amount of time, or a time out to think about their inappropriate behavior. After a while you will find that you can phase out the chart as children eventually internalize the positive behavior and may even forget to ask for their stars or points.
Finally, even when disciplining your child for inappropriate behavior never say that your child is bad for hitting his sister; instead say that you are upset because hitting his sister was not a nice thing to do and he must lose a privilege or have a time out to think about it. In this way, the child realizes that the behavior was bad but he was not.
"A torn jacket is soon mended but hard words bruise the heart of a child." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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